Christ in all of my longings

"bright Father of light,
no turning with Thee,
let there be Christ in all of my longings.
give me oil for my dry lamp.
let me be the white bride of Your heart,
of Your heart."
team strike force, "meditation on light"

It's really hard for me to not plan out my future and determine what would make everything perfect. If I get this apartment, if my latest scheme works, if i have less of a commute, if I get a fuzzy white doggy, if my friendship with this person continues to develop, if I .... then I would be so comfortable.

When I step back and evaluate my longings, I see all of Teddy's longings. If my perfect plans worked out, not one single person would be impacted for the Kingdom's sake. Just my life would be comfier.

Will my desire to want Christ ever translate into an actual desire for Christ? I know that I want Him, but my common thoughts reveal my true motives.

For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me. I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good. For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin