all things for good

One of the first things I read after Joe passed away was John Murray's little pamphlet, "Behind a Frowning Providence." Of all the excellent things he wrote, the sentence that stayed with me was this, quoting a widower, "If an angel from heaven told me that this would work for my good I would not believe him but because thy Word says it I must believe it."

Psalm 25 became one of my favorites this past spring, not quite sure why. I think the Lord gave it to me to get me ready for grieving. I read it every day for a couple of weeks before Joe died. My daily prayer had been verses 4-5: "Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long." And I expected to reap verse 10: "All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies." I guess I had my own definition of what I considered to be paths of love and faithfulness.

And then that horrible day, there it was foremost in my mind. At that moment, the phrase that stood out clearly was, "To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul." And for days after every prayer and every thought felt like it took serious soul effort. A lot of times, that was all I could pray. Like Spurgeon said, "Pray, 'There it is, Lord. My eyes are on You.'"

Since then I've read Psalm 25 countless times, used it as my prayer when I couldn't pray words of my own. Cried a lot over verses 25-18. "My eyes are ever toward the LORD for he will pluck my feet out of the net. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses. Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins."

Tonight I was in the psalm again, going back to it after another day of tears, another day of wondering why it happened this way. And the thought occurred to me after reading verse ten again and thinking about it that it's kind of like the Romans 8:28 of the OT. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies. And that encouraged me. Romans 8 is so triumphant and shoved in my face (not its fault!!) and I just feel so sad. Psalm 25 has given me a voice for my sadness without throwing away one bit of my trust in God's sovereignty.

Where has the time gone?

It's a week after Labor Day, which is freaking me out when I think of all that has happened since Memorial Day.

This year so far has roughly been divided into two chunks... New Years to Memorial Day... Memorial Day to Labor Day. The first part so surprising, so happy, so energized and excited; the second part so heavy and sorrowful, surprising in the worst possible way.

Pretty soon Joe will have been gone for longer than we were together. In a few years he'll have been gone longer than I knew him....I've done the same sort of time tracking with Mom. I marked the year when I had lived half my life without her, then the next year when I had lived over half my life without her. Every day takes me so much farther away from the last time I saw them.

In a million years, we'll all have been with the Lord for so long with no end in sight. That sounds amazing.

This phrase, "Yet once more," indicates the removal of things that are shaken—that is, things that have been made—in order that the things that cannot be shaken may remain. Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire. (Hebrews 12:27-29 ESV)

how are you doing?

There are two categories of people...those who know what happened and those who don't. Those who don't feel perfect freedom to talk about whatever they like. They ask, "How are you," and are content with any answer at all. I can deal with that. No pressure.

Those who know what happened ask, "How are you," and I just have no idea how to answer them. They want to hear some sort of positive answer. I get that. They're concerned. But "Good" is just not the answer I have these days.

At first I said, "I'm struggling." That seemed to shock people. Really? Struggling? They didn't know what to do with me. I'm not judging. I don't know what to do with me. What do you say? There's not much I want to hear, so what could there possibly be to say?

I've to saying, "I'm ok." It's kind of vague. No one really knows what ok means anyway. We don't even know where we got those two little letters. Ok can mean whatever I want it to mean. Ok is better than bad.

I'm not good. I'm sad. I'm crying. I'm lonely. I'm crying out to God. I am receiving mercy. I am tired. I am having nightmares every night. I am surrounded by dear sweet wonderful friends. I am living. I am remembering. I'm trying not to live in memories. I'm afraid. I'm looking forward to eternity.

Now, a couple of months and counting into this, my ok is becoming shocking to some people. "But God is good!" I was told the other day in answer to my ok. I know. But acknowledging the utter wretchedness of the curse doesn't take away from God's glory. If the curse weren't so horrible, would we be so thankful for the Savior? Death is an enemy that I hate, and if it weren't for sin we wouldn't die.

I'm not doing great, can't stop crying. It's ok. One day God is going to personally reach out and wipe away all my tears. Then I'll be good in every imaginable sense of the word.

On mine arm they shall trust

This morning a sweet Facebook friend posted this selection from Spurgeon's Morning and Evenng. It proved to be one of those times when a word stuck with me through the day. It so caught at me that throughout the day, it never strayed far from my thoughts. How badly I have been practicing what Spurgeon here preaches. 

This has been the sweetest comfort that I have felt since the day Joe died. 

"On mine arm shall they trust." 
Isaiah 51:5

In seasons of severe trial, the Christian has nothing on earth that he can trust to, and is therefore compelled to cast himself on his God alone. When his vessel is on its beam-ends, and no human deliverance can avail, he must simply and entirely trust himself to the providence and care of God. Happy storm that wrecks a man on such a rock as this! O blessed hurricane that drives the soul to God and God alone! There is no getting at our God sometimes because of the multitude of our friends; but when a man is so poor, so friendless, so helpless that he has nowhere else to turn, he flies into his Father's arms, and is blessedly clasped therein! When he is burdened with troubles so pressing and so peculiar, that he cannot tell them to any but his God, he may be thankful for them; for he will learn more of his Lord then than at any other time. Oh, tempest-tossed believer, it is a happy trouble that drives thee to thy Father! Now that thou hast only thy God to trust to, see that thou puttest thy full confidence in him. Dishonour not thy Lord and Master by unworthy doubts and fears; but be strong in faith, giving glory to God. Show the world that thy God is worth ten thousand worlds to thee. Show rich men how rich thou art in thy poverty when the Lord God is thy helper. Show the strong man how strong thou art in thy weakness when underneath thee are the everlasting arms. Now is the time for feats of faith and valiant exploits. Be strong and very courageous, and the Lord thy God shall certainly, as surely as he built the heavens and the earth, glorify himself in thy weakness, and magnify his might in the midst of thy distress. The grandeur of the arch of heaven would be spoiled if the sky were supported by a single visible column, and your faith would lose its glory if it rested on anything discernible by the carnal eye. May the Holy Spirit give you to rest in Jesus this closing day of the month.

So I can read this and assent to it with mind and spirit as heartily as I could wish. And I can tell to myself to rejoice in the trial and to trust in God, but I cannot shake the sadness that shades everything I do, and I cannot pretend that I do not hurt. I can trust God's providence and yet am still ill at the mention of what happened. Is that ok? 

I am feeble and crushed;

I groan because of the tumult of my heart.

O Lord, all my longing is before you;

my sighing is not hidden from you.

My heart throbs; my strength fails me,

and the light of my eyes—it also has gone from me.

But for you, O Lord, do I wait;

it is you, O Lord my God, who will answer.

For I am ready to fall,

and my pain is ever before me.

I confess my iniquity;

I am sorry for my sin.

Do not forsake me, O Lord!

O my God, be not far from me!

Make haste to help me,

O Lord, my salvation! (Psalm 38:8-10, 15, 17, 18, 21, 22 ESV)