how are you doing?

There are two categories of people...those who know what happened and those who don't. Those who don't feel perfect freedom to talk about whatever they like. They ask, "How are you," and are content with any answer at all. I can deal with that. No pressure.

Those who know what happened ask, "How are you," and I just have no idea how to answer them. They want to hear some sort of positive answer. I get that. They're concerned. But "Good" is just not the answer I have these days.

At first I said, "I'm struggling." That seemed to shock people. Really? Struggling? They didn't know what to do with me. I'm not judging. I don't know what to do with me. What do you say? There's not much I want to hear, so what could there possibly be to say?

I've to saying, "I'm ok." It's kind of vague. No one really knows what ok means anyway. We don't even know where we got those two little letters. Ok can mean whatever I want it to mean. Ok is better than bad.

I'm not good. I'm sad. I'm crying. I'm lonely. I'm crying out to God. I am receiving mercy. I am tired. I am having nightmares every night. I am surrounded by dear sweet wonderful friends. I am living. I am remembering. I'm trying not to live in memories. I'm afraid. I'm looking forward to eternity.

Now, a couple of months and counting into this, my ok is becoming shocking to some people. "But God is good!" I was told the other day in answer to my ok. I know. But acknowledging the utter wretchedness of the curse doesn't take away from God's glory. If the curse weren't so horrible, would we be so thankful for the Savior? Death is an enemy that I hate, and if it weren't for sin we wouldn't die.

I'm not doing great, can't stop crying. It's ok. One day God is going to personally reach out and wipe away all my tears. Then I'll be good in every imaginable sense of the word.